Dear JackAlddy Brands Inc Column
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JackAlddy Brands Inc' opinion/informational column does not replace written law or regulations, nor does it replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have questions about a medical or psychiatric condition, always seek the advice of a doctor or other qualified psychiatric/health professional.JackAlddy Brands Inc will not be held liable should you decide to act upon the information provided and suffer damages.
Please write to [email protected] for our advice/problem-solving column! Who remembers Dear Abby?!? Send us your questions about home improvement, problem-solving ideas, or any general advice, and we will choose one email per week to respond to during our initial fundraiser launch from now until 10/25/23 when we will switch themes to a new holiday fundraiser launch.
9/29/23 and 10/8/23 and 10/21/23
Dear JackAlddy Brands Inc:
I'm feeling stressed out. Arguing with my person every day lately. Way too often. He explodes in anger in a hair-trigger fashion. I love him with all my heart, but I can't take the constant battles. Only to make up later. But the memories of the encounters stay with me.
Signed - So Sick of Fighting. Is This Relationship Worth It
Dear, So Sick of Fighting. Is This Relationship Worth It
Are you in a very dangerous situation? If so, and your circumstances would not put you in increased danger at the moment, reach out for help to the local agencies that can assist you with shelter or protection orders. The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233, or text "START" to 88788.
In my experience, domestic battles often escalate due to triggering words that are responded to in kind with higher level triggering words and so on, continuing on both ends until there is a mental explosion like lighting two ends of a firework. The explosion occurs, and there is then blinding rage. The person(s) no longer can see or care about what happens next at that moment. Terrible things usually happen once things have escalated to this level.
Often proceeding, one person is following a person who's trying to escape, OR that person who triggers the situation is pretending to try to escape, knowing the other person will be following and escalating it further. Then, later, blames him/her for the entire episode.
Try this. Muster every ounce of mental strength and composure you have in you……and it's in there. Walk away. Kindly state you are going to another room to calm down/ until everyone is calm. Never engage until you are absolutely sure you and your person are calm again. No good words are spoken when you're angry. Ask Alexa to play spa music. Or play other music that captivates your soul. Quietly in your earbuds or in another room, far enough not to be an annoyance/"trigger" again with blasting music. Embrace the beautiful music until your heart feels stronger/happier. Or do a vigorous exercise workout. Distract. Relax. No rush to find your words to work through it. You've been together for 1 year. 5 years. 10 years. 20 years. The conversation can wait until it is productive.
You've probably been in it a while if you're so sick of it. And you love your person. So it's worth exhausting every try.
If all attempts fail, and you're still unable to make it work. Try couples therapy. Give it your all before you give up on every endeavor in life. I hope things get better for you. It will be one way or another if you decide that's the only acceptable way to live.
Try remembering the good times and see if you can reconnect to them in your mind. Try this Celine Dion Trio of songs for 10 minutes of your time. It might help.
https://youtu.be/cvu28pKql8g?si=8IrQDPRky1nuvK2n
Once everyone is calm, and you've successfully avoided a typical words-and-actions-you'd-have-beyond a-shadow-of-doubt-regretted scenario, talk about it. Avoid using blaming words that trigger defensiveness. Such as "you always" and "you never". Express how such a scenario makes you feel, and focus on ideas both of you can come up with to avoid the same fight from occurring ever again.
Stay strong while you work through it.
Best wishes!
God (no matter which your God is) Bless you and yours!
Signed-Jack of JackAlddy Brands Inc
*From millions of us on the planet….. Go
Celine!!!! You have touched so many lives. Thank you for all you have given. We are praying and rooting for you in your current health battle.
Conversations & Advice
10/8/23
Dear JackAlddy,
I went through a divorce a few years ago, and it took a very long time to begin to rebuild my life and come back from many financial struggles and struggling with drug addiction, which I began using to cope with my problems. Over the years, I've successfully fixed most of my financial issues, and I've been clean for over five years. Recently, even with all this success, I've been feeling more unmotivated than ever and have been failing to finish my continued education, which would further my career. I'm becoming overcome with feelings of hopelessness and a feeling that I'm not accomplishing anything of significance. What advice can you give to help try to work through these feelings and continue on a path of positive growth?
Dear Feeling Unmotivated
It's easy to get laid back about things when we have to put a lot of extra work into it. We are all tired in this fast-paced world. So, planning to fill all of our "extra" time with extra work is easily unappealing. You're not alone. It's also not easy to go through long educational programs when your interest lies only in the increased money you will receive, as opposed to having a passion for learning about a curriculum that inspires you. So first, is it possible a different career path would ignite a love of learning and give you just the push and incentive you need? Second, is there a friend or colleague in need of completing the same program? Can you partner up and take turns motivating each other and complete the assignments together?
Create a list of pros and cons for completing your degree and, assuming the pros outweigh the cons, focus on that pro list. Reward yourself for achieving your goal, each and every week that it's achieved…… an outing. It is a favorite show you will refuse to let yourself watch unless your weekly educational tasks are complete. Host a weekly potluck party for all of your supportive friends, and bring a dish, too. Etc. Also, create a larger, long-term reward to give yourself once your certification or degree is complete. Is it a vacation you'll now be able to afford? Front row seats to a concert you've always wanted to attend? Make it meaningful. Post pics of that dream goal on your fridge or set a photo of it as your phone wallpaper image so that every day, you can see the end results you're striving for.
Just be sure you're pursuing what you really want your career to be. They say If you love your job, you never work a day in your life. It could very well be that you're just not reaching for your stars. Instead, have a distant, faint light to look forward to, barely flickering in the windstorm it feels like you'll fight against to, potentially after all your hard work, just enable you to pay one extra bill, for example. Make the light at the end of the tunnel as bright as possible, and you are very likely to find your way there. Best wishes to you, and let us know. Please send your success story when your mission is complete. You will get there. Stay strong and positive always. Congratulations on your five years clean. That just proves you have the strength within you to fight. Fight, and you will succeed against these unmotivated feelings, too.
Signed-Jack of JackAlddy
10/21/23
Dear JackAlddy,
I watch court TV religiously, and I am watching the Maya Trial. What advice would you give to Maya?
Signed, Heartbreaking
Dear Heartbreaking,
No matter how you look at it. Her situation is devastating. Let's take scenario 1- she was separated from her mom, her mom was innocent of "medical abuse"… and innocent of needing to be removed from her daughter's life, and, after three months of separation, her mom committed suicide. Maya feels guilty that her mom committed suicide in her name. There is no doubt that Maya comes across as beyond sincere that she's suffering immensely regarding the death of her mother. But Maya. Trust us all. It's not your fault.
Let's take scenario 2- her mom was drugging her regularly. Abusing her in one way or another. The child's memory was blocked from what was happening due to substances in the system. She only knows she's supposed to demand meds she had been on …or even was already actually addicted to.
As a child, we all typically believe one or both parents are superhuman. Perfect creatures. The model of normalcy. And why not? An innocent child can only assume at first that everyone is likewise innocent. But in reality. Nothing can be further from the truth. A parent is just human. Like everyone. Like you. Like, at times, you might feel that you're a terrible child. Just like that. So, too, do parents sometimes feel like terrible humans. Like terrible parents. And sadly, many who abuse have been abused. They are absolutely incapable of feeling good about themselves. They never had the help to get there. They definitely can't be expected to be a perfect parents.
The child, at some point, says, "But I'm vulnerable. I needed you. When you left, you abandoned me. When I needed you so much."
The parent says. "I, too, was left. I was abused too long before you"…….physically. Psychologically. Sexually. Etc. It matters not the exact circumstances that were suffered. It is that an abuse(s) occurred. It's mentally debilitating to experience abuse for most people. It takes practice to shake it off. Often, a lot of time and a lot of practice. But it can be done. Believe in that.
Just know. Your parents' issues are never ever your fault. No matter how it seems on the surface.
Also. Maya. Never, ever repeat the words that you are afraid your boyfriend will leave you because you are you. He is not worthy of you if you are not confident in the feeling that he's behind you for all of your wonderful, but even potentially less than perfect, attributes. We all have both of those attributes.
It can take all the strength we have within us to overcome abuse. But get on your feet. Hold your head up. You can overcome this if you fight with all your might.
Say… I am Confident. Strong. Worthy of the best love the planet has to offer. And not just say it. Internalize it. Now it is intrinsic.
Do it, Maya.
Signed everyone who is pulling for you, regardless of the verdict outcome.